Thank heavens for categories. For without them what would advertisers do? Here are six age-defining categories so ads can be tailored to fit our individual needs, wants, desires, pocket books, eyesight, odors, and skin elasticity.
Coot: Age 100 and up
Coots don’t mind being called old. In fact, they are happy to tell you their exact age knowing full well that once they say “one hundred,” you’re going to be in such a state of amazement that you won’t hear anything else they say. They can curse, they can drink, they can smoke, they can tell the truth. But mostly they just want to eat their yogurt, drink their bullion, and give advice on how to live to be 100. You know you’re a coot if you think the person reading this to you is a damn fool.
Codger: Age 76 to 99
Codgers love to hug their great-grandchildren, pushing aside their children and grandchildren to do it. In swimming pools, they dangle from noodles to get their exercise. They get impatient with their bridge partners, even after having played with them for 50 years. Since most of them are women, they always have a killer meat loaf recipe and an eye out for widowers who don’t know how to cook. You know you’re a codger if you’re phone has speed dialing for your internist and at least three specialists.
Geezer: Age 60 to 75
Geezers are dichotomistic. (Hoo. Hoo. We geezers love to use big words because when we went to school you had to study vocabulary – that’s a 5-syllable word meaning…uh…words.) On one side (our di side) we are just what you think we are. We have aches, pains, and minor surgeries which have caused us to be very well read about arcane and experimental medical procedures, drug formulations, and clinical trials. We study our Medicare booklets and go to legal seminars to learn how we can take it with us.
On our other side (the chotomy side) we party a lot because we’re finished working full time. Travel, golf, spas, parties, museums, symphonies, bird-watching, bungee-jumping. And did I mention partying? But we also volunteer our time to causes, willingly baby-sit grandchildren, and even impart of bit of our vast experience to those willing to listen – usually business people whose companies have failed.
When we reach Codgerdom, we intend to stretch the limits of biotechnology, plastics, and animal parts. You know you’re a geezer when someone calls you “old,” and you look them in the eye and say “That’s `wisdom’ to you, buddy.”
Edger: Age 50 to 59
Edgers are Egyptians because they are in denial. (Geezers think that joke is a knee-slapper.) What’s to deny? Question: “How old are you?” Edger answer: “I’m 35 again.” Edger sweat fills the gyms of America 24 hours a day. Their purchase of bottled water has contributed to the growth of both the plastics and water filtration industries, as well as the trebling in price of mountains with fresh springs. The crow’s feet of Edgers fill the waiting rooms of plastic surgeons from 9 to 5. The Edgers use of Botox needles has single-facedly injected the medical supply industry with new life. You know you’re an Edger if you have a subscription to Nip and Tuck magazine.
Greeny: Age 31 to 49
The Greenies grow exotic herbs in their gardens and fret endlessly about the air they breathe. Their green gardens and blue skies represent their concern for the environment and quest for a better quality of life. Greenies can often be found transporting a gaggle of politically correct children between cave painting and abacus classes in their hybrid SUVs, during which they drive over Snapper sedans and push Geezer luxury cars off the road. Their fresh herbs often find their way into simple, carb-free dishes based on tofu and are happily eaten by their children who know they have a stash of Oreo cookies hidden in their closet behind the abacus. You know you’re a Greeny if you smell like Herbs de Provence.
Snappers: Age 13 to 30
Snappers, short for whippersnappers, are the hope for the future. Hopes which are often dashed by their listening to rap, dancing at clubs until the morning, and taking advantage of drugs that we geezers never had a chance to try. Not only do they have TV shows devoted to their heroic deeds (mostly Snapper women kicking the bejesus out of Snapper men), but there are cable channels that exist only for them. Entire careers in the film industry have been made and destroyed by their Saturday evening viewing choices. They have no fear, which is why we send them to foreign lands to defend our freedom. They know more stuff by the end of high school than Edgers knew at the end of college – which is why Edgers get very nervous about hiring Snappers. You know you’re a Snapper if you’re not reading this article.