When I say “smoothie” I expect a cold blended mix of orange, pineapple, and banana. But now a “smoothie” can also refer to a cold young man who’s shaved the hair off his chest. All the hair, from below his stubbly beard to the top of his black bikini spandex underwear.
Why? They say it’s to attract the young babes who, they tell us, have a penchant for running their hands over hairless bodies. In the geezer’s younger days he remembers ads showing a Swedish blonde running her hands over a hairless face, saying, “Shave it off. All off.” And shave I did, waiting for that Swedish blonde to open the bathroom door and run her hands over my clean-shaven, but pimple-ridden face. Sad to say, she never did come through that door.
Another reason these boys are going bare-chested is to show off all that muscle and ab development. I guess if you’ve spent six months in the gym building a six-pack, you don’t want it hidden under a dark forest of hair.
All this chest shaving will result in changing the song “Hair” to “Bare.” Sing along, you old hippies:
Gimme a chest with no hair. Smooth, beautiful, bare.
Shining, shimmering, glistening, nipply, ripply
Chop it off down to there, bare!
Neck to you know where, bare!
Here shear it, there shave it, everywhere smoothy, smoothy
In the great tradition of wild animals, we geezers do not shave our chests.
Think of a hairless animal and you think of the Spinx, a hairless cat. Doesn’t he look strange with all that baggy saggy skin exposed? Which is exactly what a male geezer chest would look like if exposed..
What kind of chests do you think female geezers want to see? Ones with sleek lines? Rippling muscles? Taut skin? Well, maybe they do. But only on their sons. On their geezer husbands and lovers they want to see the rolling plumage that only a hairy chest can provide
And let’s not forget the hands of our ladies that sometimes travel over that plumage. Those paths are much smoother to travel when paved with a fine layer of soft hair.
Which reminds me of another benefit of chest hair – insulation. If you live in the cold, chest hair provides an extra layer of protection. A place to hold little pockets of warm air against the winter wind. In the summer, as we seniors doggie paddle around the pool, chest hair not only insulates, but helps us stay afloat.
Aside from the practical nature of chest hair, there are also the aesthetic considerations. Chest shavers will point to smooth and marbled Greek statues as their idols. But geezers are not Greek statues. We are more like wild beasts. We think of the great ape, jumping up and down while beating his hairy chest. We think of the tall, fuzzy bear, rubbing his furry back against the tree. We think of the Abominable Snowman in his hairy suit waving at the camera. These are our chest hair role models.
If senior men wanted to be current and fashionable, they could show off their chest hair by coloring it. A streak of purple against a white haired chest to demonstrate our passion for life. A red streak to show our warrior like tendencies. And a blue stripe to display our support for clean air. Rows of rainbow-colored chests lining the beaches of South Florida would certainly brighten up the coastline.
So forget shaving off your chest hair my fellow geezer gentlemen. Leave the smooth chests to the young men. And the young women and Swedish blondes. I say, if he’s bare, beware. As that old hippie song should go,
Gimme a chest with hair. Thick, smooth, and all there.