Step right up ladies and gentlemen! Introducing our Go-Go-Gene Finder – the crystal ball of the future. The see all, tell all, be all that unravels the secrets of the coding in your genes. Sure, it can tell you about your ancestry. But what you geezers really want to know about is your future health.
Bones prone to osteoporosis? Breast or prostate cancer cells hiding in your body? Alzheimer’s amassing to attack your brain? We sure hope not. But why not check it out using our second generation handy dandy Go-Go Gene Finder. Don’t be fooled! This is not one of those genetic home test kits which are regulated by the FDA. And because we’re unregulated we can predict not only disease, but depression, hair loss, sagging skin, and propensity for gassy releases.
Trust us, there’s research aplenty for our Go-Go Gene Finder tests. For example, we had genetic testing done on Chinese political prisoners and found that 100% of them with genes for depression in fact got very depressed.
We’re so sure our Go-Go Gene Finder will help you we’ll guarantee the results. If our DNA test predicts a disease or condition and you die of some other disease or condition, we will cheerfully refund your money upon your presentation of a certified death certificate.
How is the test done? You simply provide a drop of blood, a bit of spit, a lock of hair, or the tip of your left pinky finger. Simply use our prepaid mailer to send the sample to our test lab.
Our labs are pretty much clean except for some occasional rat droppings that are well below established city standards. The labs are swept almost daily be an experienced crew of illegal aliens who can’t read English, thus ensuring privacy of your test results.
The staff that does the testing has graduated from or is currently enrolled in the local community college, which has a top-ranked hospitality industry program. Staff members have majored in or thought about majoring in a science or have taken at least one science-related course in which they got at least a C minus. When conducting tests, they wear clean, near-white lab coats and goggles. The goggles have very few scratches.
Testing is done by playing heavy metal music to your cells which causes the chromosomes to dance out. The testers then use country music to entice the genes out of your chromosomes. They put your genes under our patented gene-reading microscopes built in Chinese prisons (mostly by non-depressed prisoners). Our distributor claims they are “like new.”
Our secret software, written by very clever 16-year old Russians hackers, identifies the mutations that cause certain diseases and conditions. Red, green, and blue lights flash when different types of mutations are found. Sometimes the lab looks like a Vegas casino!
Punch cards are then printed out for each of your potential diseases and conditions. Our staff collects the punch cards, runs them through a vintage punch card reader and out spits your results.
Your results are given a secret code and entered in our secure computer database where they are reviewed by one of our senior scientists, who actually graduated a 4-year college with a degree in biology or a subject related to biology, such as basketball.
The next day you will receive an email with your special code. You log into our secure site, enter your special code, and, if the server is not down, will be transferred to our special legal disclaimer portion of the site. After reading and electronically agreeing to this 24-page document, you will be taken to your results.
We use lots of pie charts, bar charts, and pretty colors to show you which diseases and conditions your DNA testing has revealed you are prone to. As you review your results you’ll be excited by a sense of discovery – and the freedom discovery provides. For example, if testing reveals you don’t have the mutated gene for alcoholism, you can go out and get drunk. If you do find a gene mutation that predicts some dreaded disease, you can quickly buy some life insurance.
Or, you can print out our good-looking charts and graphs and show them to your doctor. Then ask him or her what you should do. They’ll be more than happy to tell you.
So down with the unknown – unlock the secrets in your genes. Begin your journey of discovery by calling our toll free number at 1-BAD-DNATEST.