In anticipation of April 15, I am providing the following advice to geezers who are preparing their own IRS Form 1040. The following advice may or may not comply with the real IRS rules and regulations. So if you cite any information provided below during your audit, you’ll probably be going to jail, which may solve any tax problems you have.
Dependents. If you are a senior citizen and claim a child under 18 as a dependent, your return will be given extra scrutiny. Send along a sperm sample and a color photo of your trophy wife, preferably in a low cut blouse, to avoid this problem.
Loans to Family Members. Loans to family members should be listed under “non-business bad debt.” Include signed loan documents and emails begging the relative to pay you back. The IRS won’t allow your deduction, but it will provide them with a good laugh. They have families too, you know.
Family support. On the other hand, if your children are draining every last dollar of your savings to send their own kids to expensive private schools, the IRS may allow a very small “pity” deduction.
Education Credits. The IRS will not take kindly to seniors claiming education credits if your course load includes “Store Greetings,” “Burger Flipping,” or “Security Gate Guarding.”
Charity deductions. You cannot take a charity deduction for the tax money you contributed to governmental corporate bailouts.
Las Vegas/Atlantic City/Indian Casino Rule. All gambling winnings are considered ill-gotten gains and will be taxed at 90% regardless of your income. Don’t lie. The IRS checks casino videotapes.
Marriage. Speaking of sin, IRS rules generally favor senior citizens who stay single and just shack up. One of you can rent a motel room when the kids come. Do not try to deduct the room rental as ‘living expenses.”
Neatness. The IRS doesn’t want any trouble from the machines that scan your taxes. If your 5s look like 6s, the machine will have trouble. If the machine has trouble it signals an IRS employee who pulls your return and gives it the “troublemaker” review.
Line 32, Itemized Deductions. Check the “Gimme a break” box if you’re trying to itemize golf equipment used for “health purposes,” “miracle healing hormone treatments,” or any travel expenses in and around Branson, MO.
Form 1040, Line 99. If you have died during the year, be sure to check the box on line 99 labeled “Leave me alone. I’m dead.”