Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog. It was large, which in Costco language means gigantic. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked, “Do you have a dog?”
What did she think I had an elephant?
So, because I’m a retired geezer and have little to do, on impulse, I said to her, “No, I don’t have a dog. I’m just starting the Purina Diet again. I probably shouldn’t, because last time I tried it I ended up in the hospital. But,” I quickly added, “I lost 50 pounds before I woke up in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.”
She stared at me wide-eyed.
I continued. “The way the diet works is that I load my pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time I feel hungry. It worked so well I’m going to try it again.”
By now, practically everyone in line was enthralled with my story.
Horrified, the woman asked, “Did you end up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned you?”
I told her “No, I just stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.”
Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Direct from the Internet, so it must be true.