Geezer Guff

Keeping your brain active is no-brainer geezer goal. You can creatively boost your brain power by taking advantage of your normal, everyday activities.

Sandwich Making. Ya gotta eat. So why not turn an ordinary kitchen activity – making a sandwich – into a brain booster. Open your refrigerator. Scan for potential sandwich fillings. Sliced low salt meat, no-fat cheese, turkey bacon, lettuce, tomato. Scan for condiments. Sugar free ketchup, organic mustard, light mayo. Close the refrigerator and recall all the potential ingredients. Move to where you keep the bread. (That used to be a bread box, but those went out in the mid-20th century). Think about possible sandwich breads. 28 grain, fruit ‘n nut, 100-calorie English muffins.

Now it’s visualization time. How many sandwich combinations can you think of with the ingredients you’ve seen? Depending on how many combinations you can think of, you may not actually eat lunch until mid-afternoon but your brain will be well-fed.

 

Visiting Las Vegas. Sure, gambling is one reason to visit Vegas. But the thrill of betting doesn’t offer enough brain activity for the average senior.

To enhance your complex thinking skills, play craps. Think about the combinations of numbers on the dice, the over, the under, the line – lots of things for your brain to ruminate about. Be sure you bet every time someone throws so you can spend a little extra brain power counting money.

You’ll probably be losing your retirement funds in Vegas, but you’ll be adding to your brain health wealth. Maybe you can write the trip off as a medical necessity.

 

Stock Watching. Checking the prices of your stocks and mutual funds is a bit boring for you and your brain. Why not up the ante by making it a brain improvement activity?

Follow your stocks online. Multiply the price of each of your stocks by the number of shares you own throughout the day. Calculate how much money you are losing, or, if you get lucky, gaining. Doing this every 15 minutes is guaranteed to increase the blood flow to your brain. If the loss numbers get large enough, however, this activity can be detrimental to your heart.

 

Imaginative Sitting. Suppose you’re physically challenged. No reason a handicap should stop you from exercising your brain. Let’s say you’re confined to a wheelchair, recliner, or lounge chair.

Hold on to the sides, close your eyes, and visualize rolling your chair through your fantasies. Steer your chair through a baseball field and make that easy catch the damn outfielder from your home team dropped the last game. Roll into the office of that idiot boss you used to have and run him down. Spin into the White House and save Social Security. If you’re a female geezer, gyrate around the Chippendale stage and pinch the bottoms of those sexy dancers. A heightened imagination lifts your brain activity. Just don’t forget to open your eyes – eventually.

 

Novelty Sports. For games you’ve long played, your brain is on auto pilot. For your brain’s sake you’ve got to add some originality to your playing.

Do you play chess? Invent new moves for the pieces.

How about the knight moving in circles? Play tennis or baseball? If you’re a righty, swing lefty, or vice versa.

Play golf? Pick out some new golf duds. Start playing at the 18th hole and work backwards.

With these game changers, your brain will immediately come to life trying to figure out what’s going on. By the way, please notify the golf course groundskeeper if you’re playing backwards as some other golfer might be tempted to dent your brain with a golf club. This would detrimental to boosting your brain power.

Filed under: Health Tags: Tags: brain, brain activity, brain health, brain improvement, brain power, craps, exercising your brain, female geezer, geezer, golf, handicap, humor, Las Vegas, satire, senior, visualization by geezerbill Date 31 July, 2011
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Boomers are going to be big spenders in retirement. Companies whose products are aimed at the 18 to 49 year old marketplace (e.g. slasher movies, rap CDs, tattoo parlors, and nipple ring manufacturers, to name a few) are not appealing to these geezers. For those companies that want to get ahead of the curve, think about promoting products that take boomers to the next level – try us, we’ll buy!

Vehicle sold to us now? Mobility Scooters. These lightweight compact babies can go from 0 to 25 in 30 seconds flat. We use them to rock and roll through retail racks, plow through frozen food aisles, and tour local garage sales. What’s the next level?

 

The Hummer scooter. If your active lifestyle includes mountain climbing, this will be your baby. You’ll barely break a sweat going up and down the Grand Canyon with its four on the floor and 4X4 double helix jet-engine. Nobody will beat you to the early-bird buffet if you’re in the seat of this machine. Just turn on the afterburners and “Whoa Nelly!” you’re at the head of the line. Command the dance floor with optional hi-lo struts that allow you to raise and lower each wheel in tune with the beat.

 

Body improvement product sold to us now? Dentures. They provide natural looking teeth that will let you smile so brightly you have to give out complimentary sunglasses. Comfortable? They slip in and out like your favorite pair of shoes. You can chew apples, corn, and the cob itself. What’s the next level?

Steel toes. No more stubbed toes with these tough little piggly wigglies. Problem opening a jar? Just stick it between your feet and spin that lid off. And think of the kicking possibilities. Children who want to move back in? Boot them out the door. Investment advisor? Punt him across the street. And last, but not least, steel toes would be great for kicking the bucket.

 

Clothing sold to us now? Active wear. Jogging pants and matching tops let you nattily jaunt down the street while keeping youthfully fit. These outfits come in all colors and stripes to match your hair or your mood. What’s the next level?

Flesh colored body stocking. Nobody wants to see a naked senior, but everybody wants to look hot. Skin tight body stockings, in race-matching colors will compact your body back to model size. Women, get those curves back. Men, stuff socks in the garment to enhance certain areas, such as chest muscles. Who says you have to be active to look good?

 

Food products sold to use now? Organic vegetables. Grown in dirt recovered from the 50s and nurtured by the dung of roving cows, these vegetables provide seniors with strength and stamina that Popeye could only dream of. What’s the next level?

Space vegetables. Hand grown outside the earth’s atmosphere in window boxes attached to the International space station these vegetables will be supercharged with the sun’s direct energy, unfettered by ozone or blue sky. Harvested once a year and flown back to the earth in black moon bags, these vegetables will be available only from NASA. They’ll be delivered to your door by retired astronauts in space suits. Be sure to eat your vegetables in the dark within 24 hours of receipt to capture all the universal nutrients.

 

 

Travel product sold to us now? Cruising. Lounging by one of the three pools. Food. Deck sitting. Watching distant waves from your cabin’s veranda. And did we mention the food? Available dawn to dusk and on to midnight and beyond. What’s the next level?

Poverty tour. Boomers want to be involved. So offer us a glimpse of life that can only be seen in National Geographic specials. Travel to the heart of third world countries where we’ll get to wear rags and beg in the streets. We’ll be covered in garbage and have a few teeth knocked out so we’ll fit right in. No hotels at night – just a thin moth-eaten blanket that someone will probably steal. For a small additional fee we’ll be given a part time job (10 hours of work for 12 cents) in a sweat shop that makes designer clothes for sale in upscale retail stores.

For another travel article, read Exotic Travel, Yes — Health Talk, No.

Filed under: General> Health> Money> Travel Tags: Tags: active wear, boomer, cruising, dentures, geezer, humor, mobility scooter, organic vegetables, poverty, satire, senior by geezerbill Date 28 May, 2011
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Most geezers are happily married, although happily and married may be considered an oxymoron by some. But a few senior males have been known to look at the mantle over the fireplace and become determined to put a new trophy wife on it. Who are these trophy-seeking geezers?

The first type of trophy hunting male is the man of change – he wants to explore “the new.” Which implies, of course, that his current wife is “the old.” He began his exploration by checking his wife out looking for skin that was sagging or other signs of gravity’s impact on her body. He, of course, did not look at his own body in the mirror for similar signs.

After moving on to his trophy wife you might hear him say, “She makes me look at myself in new ways.” In other words, the new wife makes him wear his shirt unbuttoned to his navel, with bling around his neck, and new hair plugs in his head.

Another line to listen for is, “She changed my life.” In other words, the trophy wife makes him do all the romantic and sweet things he should have been doing for his wife of 30 years – the one he divorced.

Finally, he might say, sighing, “She fulfills my every dream.” In other words, she likes to do things in bed his wife didn’t.

The second type of geezer seeking a trophy wife is simply a man who gets bored easily.

He must possess the latest smart phone. For him, skydiving was so last year – cliff diving is this year’s thrill ride. You can easily tell this type because his children will have stopped trying to figure out which number trophy wife he is working on.

He’s the kind of guy who will eventually get bored of looking at the same trophy wife day after day. Sooner or later you will hear him say about his trophy wife, “Enough with the blond, let’s try the redhead.” Or, “A size 36 is interesting, but let’s try something a little larger.”

The third type of trophy wife seeking senior is simply the man who wants to “improve” himself. He takes lessons from a pro to achieve a lower golf score. He moves from 5K runs to 10K runs to marathons.

About his trophy wife he says, “She brings new energy to my life.” In other words she’s making the guy engage in heart stopping sports such as bungee jumping and shark baiting.

Eventually, however, he will want to improve his trophy and you will hear him say, “She looks pretty good, but isn’t there a better one?” And once again he will go out on the hunt.

So if you’re a boomer woman over 50 and your husband is checking you out a little too closely and making space among the pictures on the fireplace mantle, it may be time to start looking for a trophy husband.

 

For more about geezers in love, read The Geezer and the Egg.

Filed under: Aging> Commentary Tags: Tags: boomer, geezer, humor, married, over 50, satire, senior, trophy, trophy wife, woman by geezerbill Date 29 April, 2011
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