Geezer Guff

Most geezers are happily married, although happily and married may be considered an oxymoron by some. But a few senior males have been known to look at the mantle over the fireplace and become determined to put a new trophy wife on it. Who are these trophy-seeking geezers?

The first type of trophy hunting male is the man of change – he wants to explore “the new.” Which implies, of course, that his current wife is “the old.” He began his exploration by checking his wife out looking for skin that was sagging or other signs of gravity’s impact on her body. He, of course, did not look at his own body in the mirror for similar signs.

After moving on to his trophy wife you might hear him say, “She makes me look at myself in new ways.” In other words, the new wife makes him wear his shirt unbuttoned to his navel, with bling around his neck, and new hair plugs in his head.

Another line to listen for is, “She changed my life.” In other words, the trophy wife makes him do all the romantic and sweet things he should have been doing for his wife of 30 years – the one he divorced.

Finally, he might say, sighing, “She fulfills my every dream.” In other words, she likes to do things in bed his wife didn’t.

The second type of geezer seeking a trophy wife is simply a man who gets bored easily.

He must possess the latest smart phone. For him, skydiving was so last year – cliff diving is this year’s thrill ride. You can easily tell this type because his children will have stopped trying to figure out which number trophy wife he is working on.

He’s the kind of guy who will eventually get bored of looking at the same trophy wife day after day. Sooner or later you will hear him say about his trophy wife, “Enough with the blond, let’s try the redhead.” Or, “A size 36 is interesting, but let’s try something a little larger.”

The third type of trophy wife seeking senior is simply the man who wants to “improve” himself. He takes lessons from a pro to achieve a lower golf score. He moves from 5K runs to 10K runs to marathons.

About his trophy wife he says, “She brings new energy to my life.” In other words she’s making the guy engage in heart stopping sports such as bungee jumping and shark baiting.

Eventually, however, he will want to improve his trophy and you will hear him say, “She looks pretty good, but isn’t there a better one?” And once again he will go out on the hunt.

So if you’re a boomer woman over 50 and your husband is checking you out a little too closely and making space among the pictures on the fireplace mantle, it may be time to start looking for a trophy husband.

For more about geezers in love, read The Geezer and the Egg.

Filed under: Aging> Commentary Tags: Tags: boomer, geezer, humor, married, over 50, satire, senior, trophy, trophy wife, woman by geezerbill Date 29 April, 2011
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The deep recession is causing the middle tier of adult retirement communities, like the middle class, to disappear, leaving only the Too Much and Not Enough ends of the spectrum.

With this in mind, geezer future choices for 55 plus retirement living will be either the elegant Elephant Tusk hidden in a vibrant valley in the Southwestern U.S. or the Beaver Tooth plopped in a mosquito-filled section of the Okefenokee Swamp.

Let’s consider your choices.

“The Tusk,” as it is called by residents, has 5,000 square foot luxurious homes made from ancient stones carried off in the night from Mayan temple digs. Designer lighting throughout the home is pre-programmed to highlight residents as if they were movie stars.

At the “Tooth,” as the residents call it, home exteriors make use of recycled tires reinforced by interior panels of burnt wood from forest fires. Homes are “green” because fluorescent tubes throughout provides a slightly green tinge.

For recreation, there are two golf courses at The Tusk. One course meanders alongside the man-made, hand-crafted lake with water provided by snow imported from high atop Swiss mountains. The other golf course wanders amidst greens cut through the local national forest.

The Tooth has a volleyball court. Made of tar, it doubles as a parking lot for resident RVs. Fortunately, two trees were left on the lot. Players pretend that a piece of string tied to the trees is the top of the net. The volleyball club hopes to earn enough money to purchase a new volleyball with a bake sale for the Christmas pot luck party.

The 5-acre spa at The Tusk offers senior residents a Swedish, Asian, and lesser known Burkina Faso style massage. All massages are performed by graduates of the German StrongArm Masseuse Academy.

The Tooth offers a community hot tub for its senior citizens. The fire under the tub provides intense foot heat guaranteed to scorch off at least one layer of foot skin. This can be followed by what the residents call a “cold peel.” For this treatment, local firemen drench the senior crowd with high pressure ice cold water from a fire hydrant.

Three restaurants grace The Tusk active adult community. The Café Casa offers exotic coffee such as Kopi Luwak made from the pellets of the Indonesian Palm Civit. The Spa Restaurant offers healthy juice blends with fruits such as hand scrubbed blueberries and seedless strawberries. The Can-Oui Room is an evening restaurant, run by French chefs flown in weekly from…well, France.

The Tooth does not have a restaurant per se, but Jake, in home 42 does sell what he calls ‘dinner fixins.’ This includes canned food rejected by the local 79-cent store and fresh road kill. His prices are considered quite reasonable.

Special events at The Tusk include Beach Day, during which sand is flown in from Hawaii, Snow Day, which features snow and hand crafted snowballs flown in from Colorado, and a yearly Craft Fair at which backwoods artisans are bagged, tagged, and flown in to create personal gifts for all residents.

The Tooth summer special events are Swimmin’ Hole days. When a heavy rainstorm is approaching a large hole is dug in the community park. When the hole is full of water, residents are invited to jump in. And, of course, in the winter there’s the annual Christmas pot luck party which features a Santa vs. St. Nicholas cage match.

As you would expect, amenities at The Tusk represent the finest in 55 plus services. A fully licensed doctor and staff man the heart resuscitation center year round. If you need to get to the local hospital, the Medevac helicopter will fly you, for a small fee, to be paid in advance, in cash. And, of course, the on-site jeweler, with two large body guards in tow, makes house calls. Caregivers, available for the infirmed, all have certificates in CPR, wheel chair rolling, and mobility cart maintenance.

The Tooth amenities are on a smaller scale. Many of the roads are paved, there’s a street light on every block, and trash service is offered for a small fee. A copy of the directions to the local hospital is available outside of Jake’s. If you need an emergency evacuation, a swamp boat can be rented. Gas extra.

Ready to move to a retirement community? If you have Too Much, The Tusk awaits. Send $99 for a map. If you have Not Enough, The Tooth is for you. Stop by Jake’s for a free map, hand drawn on a slightly used napkin.

Filed under: Home Tags: Tags: 55 plus, active adult community, adult communities, geezer, humor, retirement community, retirement living, satire, senior, senior citizen, senior resident by geezerbill Date 23 March, 2011
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Geezer and wife dinner conversation:

“Guess what, honey?”
“What is it, dear?”
“C’mon, take a guess.”
“Okay. Our son’s coming for a visit and he’s not bringing his laundry.”
“No. Try again.”
“Our daughter’s gotten another tattoo.”
“That’s old news.”
“I give up.”
“I’m pregnant.”

A typical scene played out a million times a day. What’s the catch? This couple already has two children – a son, 20, and a daughter 17. So the dinner discussion is about a late baby. Real late, since in this case the woman is over 45.

Thanks to invitro fertilization it’s all possible now. Births to women over 45 are rising. What? No eggs you say. Wrong. Egg banks are opening up that let a woman drop them off while she’s young to be fertilized when she’s ready.

Why would an older man agree to return to fatherhood? Not sleep deprivation from 3 am feedings. Not back aches from putting baby in car seats. Not bank account depletion due to the cost of private education from pre-nursery through graduate school. But because his 45-year-old wife wants a baby, that’s why.

So how does it happen?

Conversation with wife prior to getting pregnant

Wife: “You don’t have to use protection any more, darling.”
Husband: “Why not?”
“I’ve begun menopause.”

The operative word here is “begun,” which is quite different from “ended.”

Alternate conversation with wife prior to getting pregnant

Wife: “Honey, it seems awfully quiet around here since the kids have gone.”
Husband: “Great, isn’t it?”
“I miss the music.”
“The boom box putting cracks in the walls?”
“I miss the energy.”
“Fights about the stack of dishes in the sink, stacks of clothing on the floor, stacks of college applications waiting to be filled out?”
“The noise gave me energy.”
“The noise gave me a headache.”
“Yes, I miss it all. It’s just too quiet around here.”
“What about turning on the radio?”
“It’s not live. We need the sound of the living around here.”
“Like a dog?”
“Like a baby.”
“A baby dog?”
“A baby baby. The sounds of gurgling and laughter.”
“Baby?”
“The sounds of splashing and babbling.”
“Baby?”
“The sounds of “ma-ma” and “da-da.”
“Da-da?”
“Let’s make a baby right now, da-da!”
“But…Oh ma-ma.”

The operative word here is “now,” which is quite different from “no.”

Even mature second wives may decide they want to get pregnant:

Second Wife: “Snookems, how do you like this see-through Frederick’s of Hollywood nightie?”

The operative word here is “see-through,” which is quite different from “flannel nightgown.”

But sometimes during the late-in-life pregnancy, the woman does realize what a new baby will mean. Aching feet from walking door to door selling chocolate turtles for school fundraisers. A wardrobe full of designer blouses with burp stains on them. Headaches from hearing “Is this your granddaughter?” for the millionth time.

So, after giving birth, the conversation will begin with “I want a nanny and I want her NOW!”

Filed under: Aging> Health Tags: Tags: baby, egg, egg bank, geezer, humor, invitro fertilization, mature, older, pregnant, satire, wife by geezerbill Date 26 January, 2011
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