Geezer Guff

After reading that there was a growth in intergenerational families, I wondered if this was yet some other infestation I had to spray my yard for. But I discovered that “intergenerational” had to do with people, not weeds.

It seems that a new generation every 20 years and a slow economy has resulted in families where all the different generations are living together. Geezers, their kids, who are the “adults,” their kids, who are the teens, and maybe even a young child or baby, are all under one roof. Hence, intergenerational families.

Why is there a new generation every 20 years? Because some clever writer likes to come up with a fresh term for the babies born that year, thus allowing Time Magazine to have at least one cover a year devoted to the newly named generation.

 

Anyway, with all those generations living together, there must be rules.

Eating Habits

During dinner, geezers must keep their dentures in their mouths. Teens’ fingers must be locked down so they can’t tweet. Parents must provide the proper pizza slices for everyone’s diet – plain for seniors’ sensitive stomachs, veggie for the vegetarian daughter, meatfully loaded for the son.

If there’s a baby in the household, pureed vegetables should be clearly labeled “Grandpa” and “Baby.”

Geezers can contribute by being willing to cook a meal – without cutting the portions in half so they can put the other half into plastic containers for the next night’s dinner.

Pitching In

Everyone should be willing to pitch in to keep the house going. Teens should be willing to help the geezers fill their pill boxes – without slipping any of the drugs into their loosely hanging pants pockets.

If there’s a baby around, grandparents (or great-grandparents) should be willing to babysit. However, the job of the parents is to make sure the seniors have turned on their hearing aids so they can listen for baby crying.

Grandparents are also useful as chaperons for teen parties where they can sniff for weed and ration the beer.

Parents have to look out for the safety of the elders. They may want to give the grandparents’ miner’s hats so they have enough light to see as they walk around the house filled with those energy saving bulbs that leave everything so dark.

Proper Separation

To make an intergenerational household work, TV time must be rationed properly. When the old man is watching the Golf Channel, the children can be writing on their Facebook walls. When the kids are watching the latest pregnant teen reality show, the grandfolks can be making out in the bedroom. Elders, please keep the making out confined to the bedroom because if parents or their kids catch you kissing it could impair them for life.

The parents won’t need TV time because they are probably out working themselves to the bone to support all these people.

Separate bathrooms should be available, senior citizen bladders being what they are. The young need to have their own bathroom for long, hot showers and interminable application of makeup. Parents need their own bathroom so they can get the chance to scream once in a while.

Going Out

Intergenerational families should try to get out of the house for some together time. They can go to the mall. The parents can stroll around hand in hand, pretending they are living a normal life. The children can buy outrageously expensive pieces of cloth in stores where the lights are flashing and incredibly loud music is playing. Geezers can lead tours of big box retailers and regale everyone with stories of the old days when those stores had actual salespeople that waited on customers. And all can sit at the food court and enjoy their own proper slices of pizza.

Just be sure to take a head count before you leave so no one can escape.

Filed under: Home Tags: Tags: babies, different generations, elders, families, family, food court, geezers, grandparents, humor, intergenerational family, intergenerational household, living together, parents, satire, senior citizen, seniors, separate bathrooms, teens by geezerbill Date 21 October, 2011
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Keeping your brain active is no-brainer geezer goal. You can creatively boost your brain power by taking advantage of your normal, everyday activities.

Sandwich Making. Ya gotta eat. So why not turn an ordinary kitchen activity – making a sandwich – into a brain booster. Open your refrigerator. Scan for potential sandwich fillings. Sliced low salt meat, no-fat cheese, turkey bacon, lettuce, tomato. Scan for condiments. Sugar free ketchup, organic mustard, light mayo. Close the refrigerator and recall all the potential ingredients. Move to where you keep the bread. (That used to be a bread box, but those went out in the mid-20th century). Think about possible sandwich breads. 28 grain, fruit ‘n nut, 100-calorie English muffins.

Now it’s visualization time. How many sandwich combinations can you think of with the ingredients you’ve seen? Depending on how many combinations you can think of, you may not actually eat lunch until mid-afternoon but your brain will be well-fed.

 

Visiting Las Vegas. Sure, gambling is one reason to visit Vegas. But the thrill of betting doesn’t offer enough brain activity for the average senior.

To enhance your complex thinking skills, play craps. Think about the combinations of numbers on the dice, the over, the under, the line – lots of things for your brain to ruminate about. Be sure you bet every time someone throws so you can spend a little extra brain power counting money.

You’ll probably be losing your retirement funds in Vegas, but you’ll be adding to your brain health wealth. Maybe you can write the trip off as a medical necessity.

 

Stock Watching. Checking the prices of your stocks and mutual funds is a bit boring for you and your brain. Why not up the ante by making it a brain improvement activity?

Follow your stocks online. Multiply the price of each of your stocks by the number of shares you own throughout the day. Calculate how much money you are losing, or, if you get lucky, gaining. Doing this every 15 minutes is guaranteed to increase the blood flow to your brain. If the loss numbers get large enough, however, this activity can be detrimental to your heart.

 

Imaginative Sitting. Suppose you’re physically challenged. No reason a handicap should stop you from exercising your brain. Let’s say you’re confined to a wheelchair, recliner, or lounge chair.

Hold on to the sides, close your eyes, and visualize rolling your chair through your fantasies. Steer your chair through a baseball field and make that easy catch the damn outfielder from your home team dropped the last game. Roll into the office of that idiot boss you used to have and run him down. Spin into the White House and save Social Security. If you’re a female geezer, gyrate around the Chippendale stage and pinch the bottoms of those sexy dancers. A heightened imagination lifts your brain activity. Just don’t forget to open your eyes – eventually.

 

Novelty Sports. For games you’ve long played, your brain is on auto pilot. For your brain’s sake you’ve got to add some originality to your playing.

Do you play chess? Invent new moves for the pieces.

How about the knight moving in circles? Play tennis or baseball? If you’re a righty, swing lefty, or vice versa.

Play golf? Pick out some new golf duds. Start playing at the 18th hole and work backwards.

With these game changers, your brain will immediately come to life trying to figure out what’s going on. By the way, please notify the golf course groundskeeper if you’re playing backwards as some other golfer might be tempted to dent your brain with a golf club. This would detrimental to boosting your brain power.

Filed under: Health Tags: Tags: brain, brain activity, brain health, brain improvement, brain power, craps, exercising your brain, female geezer, geezer, golf, handicap, humor, Las Vegas, satire, senior, visualization by geezerbill Date 31 July, 2011
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Boomers are going to be big spenders in retirement. Companies whose products are aimed at the 18 to 49 year old marketplace (e.g. slasher movies, rap CDs, tattoo parlors, and nipple ring manufacturers, to name a few) are not appealing to these geezers. For those companies that want to get ahead of the curve, think about promoting products that take boomers to the next level – try us, we’ll buy!

Vehicle sold to us now? Mobility Scooters. These lightweight compact babies can go from 0 to 25 in 30 seconds flat. We use them to rock and roll through retail racks, plow through frozen food aisles, and tour local garage sales. What’s the next level?

 

The Hummer scooter. If your active lifestyle includes mountain climbing, this will be your baby. You’ll barely break a sweat going up and down the Grand Canyon with its four on the floor and 4X4 double helix jet-engine. Nobody will beat you to the early-bird buffet if you’re in the seat of this machine. Just turn on the afterburners and “Whoa Nelly!” you’re at the head of the line. Command the dance floor with optional hi-lo struts that allow you to raise and lower each wheel in tune with the beat.

 

Body improvement product sold to us now? Dentures. They provide natural looking teeth that will let you smile so brightly you have to give out complimentary sunglasses. Comfortable? They slip in and out like your favorite pair of shoes. You can chew apples, corn, and the cob itself. What’s the next level?

Steel toes. No more stubbed toes with these tough little piggly wigglies. Problem opening a jar? Just stick it between your feet and spin that lid off. And think of the kicking possibilities. Children who want to move back in? Boot them out the door. Investment advisor? Punt him across the street. And last, but not least, steel toes would be great for kicking the bucket.

 

Clothing sold to us now? Active wear. Jogging pants and matching tops let you nattily jaunt down the street while keeping youthfully fit. These outfits come in all colors and stripes to match your hair or your mood. What’s the next level?

Flesh colored body stocking. Nobody wants to see a naked senior, but everybody wants to look hot. Skin tight body stockings, in race-matching colors will compact your body back to model size. Women, get those curves back. Men, stuff socks in the garment to enhance certain areas, such as chest muscles. Who says you have to be active to look good?

 

Food products sold to use now? Organic vegetables. Grown in dirt recovered from the 50s and nurtured by the dung of roving cows, these vegetables provide seniors with strength and stamina that Popeye could only dream of. What’s the next level?

Space vegetables. Hand grown outside the earth’s atmosphere in window boxes attached to the International space station these vegetables will be supercharged with the sun’s direct energy, unfettered by ozone or blue sky. Harvested once a year and flown back to the earth in black moon bags, these vegetables will be available only from NASA. They’ll be delivered to your door by retired astronauts in space suits. Be sure to eat your vegetables in the dark within 24 hours of receipt to capture all the universal nutrients.

 

 

Travel product sold to us now? Cruising. Lounging by one of the three pools. Food. Deck sitting. Watching distant waves from your cabin’s veranda. And did we mention the food? Available dawn to dusk and on to midnight and beyond. What’s the next level?

Poverty tour. Boomers want to be involved. So offer us a glimpse of life that can only be seen in National Geographic specials. Travel to the heart of third world countries where we’ll get to wear rags and beg in the streets. We’ll be covered in garbage and a few teeth knocked out so we’ll fit right in. No hotels at night – just a thin moth-eaten blanket that someone will probably steal. For a small additional fee we’ll be given a part time job (10 hours of work for 12 cents) in a sweat shop that makes designer clothes for sale in upscale retail stores.

For another travel article, read Exotic Travel, Yes — Health Talk, No.

Filed under: General> Health> Money> Travel Tags: Tags: active wear, boomer, cruising, dentures, geezer, humor, mobility scooter, organic vegetables, poverty, satire, senior by geezerbill Date 28 May, 2011
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