Geezer Guff

Banks and airlines have found that fees are a great way to legally pick our pockets. The U.S. government has watched and learned. Rumors have been circulating about a few of the fees our government plans on initiating that will allow geezers to help contribute to the national debt.

Social Security Fees

Beginning in 2013, retirees will all be getting their Social Security benefits through direct deposit. As part of this new policy, there will be a “Social Security Bits and Bytes Fee.” That’s the fee to cover the extra electricity it takes to transfer those bits and bytes that represent the benefit money to your bank account. The fee will be deducted from your benefit. The higher the amount of your check, the higher your fee because it takes more electricity to transfer the bits and bytes associated with those larger amounts.

Direct deposits to government workers, including Congressmen, who did not pay into Social Security, will, naturally, not have any additional fees.

Medicare Fees

If you are healthy, Medicare thanks you. But they still have to keep track of the service you are not using so they can determine how much money you are saving them so they can report it as cost savings to Congress. All this tracking cost money. So the new “Healthy Person Medicare Fee,” will be added to the monthly amount now deducted from your Social Security to pay for your Medicare benefit.

If you are actually using your Medicare benefits, obviously lots of accounting has to be done. More tracking is needed. So the “Sick Senior Medicare Fee” will be added to what you pay for Medicare.

If you have Supplemental Medicare there will be a “Letter Fee.” Fees will be higher as you move further from the letter “A.” Because Medicare Advantage involves two words, there will be a new “two word fee.”

Veteran Benefits Fees

Veterans are offered many different benefits from disability to education to home loans. There will be some new fees for these benefits. The “Thank You For Serving Fee” will be on a sliding scale depending upon how many years it’s been since the conflict in which you served. Because there are fewer of them to complain, WWII vets will be charged a higher fee than Iraq vets. And the government is hoping the newer vets are still so shell shocked they won’t catch on to the new fees, which will be in the form of a reduction in benefits paid.

Federal Income Tax Fee

You have to file a tax return in retirement whether you’re working or not. Someone has to review that tax return to be sure you’re not hiding all those big bucks you’re receiving from Social Security. Hence the new “Federal Tax Return Review Fee.” Don’t worry about including a check for it. The government will just deduct it from either your Social Security benefits or from any refund you are owed.

If you don’t file a return and get caught, there will be a new “You Thieving Crook Fee” which will be deducted from any monies you earn while in prison.

So, if you notice a slight decrease in the amount you’re receiving for Social Security or Vet benefits, don’t worry. All that fee money will increase the solvency of the U.S. Government – at least for this month.

Filed under: Money Tags: Tags: federal income tax, fees, geezer, humor, medicare, retirees, retirement, satire, senior, Social Security, social security benefits, veteran benefits, veterans by geezerbill Date 25 April, 2012
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They have taken our money for their bailout, but car makers have not asked for geezer help in designing the car of the future for seniors. I decided to help them anyway by conducting a focus group devoted to the topic “What do we geezers want in our future automobiles?”

Here’s some of the discussion, which I’m sure the car manufacturers are eagerly anticipating.

Lady Geezer 1: When it’s a nice day out, I want to be able to see over the dashboard. How about a button that raises my seat and the gas pedals and the roof and the front windshield so I can get way up and see the road like the SUV people?

Geezer Bill: Why don’t you just buy an SUV?

Lady Geezer 1: Those things are just too big. My daughter in law makes me use a step ladder to get into hers. With no safety rails, mind you.

Lady Geezer 2: I want help driving at night. How about a bank of lights that goes across the top of the car roof to light up the highway?

Geezer Bill: Wouldn’t that blind oncoming drivers?

Lady Geezer 2: So how about putting night vision glass in everyone’s windshield?

Male Geezer 1: My kids are talking about not letting me drive. All I did was knock over a garbage can…and the mailbox next to it…which kind of took out the fence that then crushed the rose bushes. But nobody was hurt. So what about an automatic chauffeur? I saw one in Men in Black II. Popped right out of the steering wheel.

Male Geezer 2: Well, if you’ve got the pop-up chauffeur, you’ll have time on your hands when you drive. So closed circuit digital TV in the car would be good. But they should make the Playboy Channel free. Looking at those pretty girls makes the drive seem shorter.

Geezer Bill: How long are the drives you take?

Male Geezer 2: Just to the supermarket. But I go to the one in the next county because they always have the almond milk for thirty cents less than the store near me.

Geezer Bill: You drive an extra 20 miles to save thirty cents on milk?

Male Geezer 2: I’m on Social Security.

Geezer Bill: But the gas you use costs more than the money you save.

Male Geezer 2: I drive slowly. I heard that uses less gas.

Male Geezer 1: What about safety against terrorism? We senior citizens are targets because we have all the money. I say cars for the elderly should be armor plated and come with bullet-proof glass.

Geezer Lady 2: How about big mirrors to see all around you? Like trucks have. And they should blink and flash whenever another car gets close to me.

Geezer Bill: Wouldn’t the blinking and flashing distract you?

Lady Geezer 2: Not really. I don’t look in my mirrors anyway.
I moved the discussion to the interior comforts geezers would like in their future cars.

Male Geezer 1: My stomach’s bigger than it was a few years ago, but my arms haven’t grown. By the time I finish driving, I have an impression of the steering wheel in my belly. How about a little indent for my tummy on the bottom of the steering wheel?

Lady Geezer 1: I don’t like all those digital controls they have inside new cars. How about the car just hearing what I say and doing it? You know, like “Turn on the air conditioner, please. And not too cold, like my daughter-in-law keeps her house.”

Male Geezer 1: That’s good. But they’d have to make sure they speak real loudly. My hearing isn’t what it used to be.

Lady Geezer 1: If they’re going to put voices in cars, why not let them talk to us all the time? Tell me when it’s time to take my pills. Ask how the grandkids are doing. It would keep me awake when I’m driving.

Geezer Bill: You know, you shouldn’t be driving if you’re sleepy.

Lady Geezer 1: If I get sleepy on a long trip I take a little nap. Sometimes I pull off the road for the nap. And you know what? The car seats don’t really go back far enough for a good sleep. How about a seat that changes into a bed? But not like those convertible sofas my daughter-in-law makes me sleep on. So thin you can feel the springs. And you think she could spare an extra blanket?

Male Geezer 2: Maybe they could turn the trunk into a bed. You know, put some lights in there for reading. Or closed circuit TV. Maybe even 3-D TV. Especially the Playboy Channel.

Some of the ideas my focus group came up with may seem far out. But since our bailout money helped car manufacturers return to profitability, I’m sure our future geezer car ideas will keep their profits rolling along.

Filed under: Travel Tags: Tags: car manufacturers, car of the future, elderly, focus group, future automobiles, future cars, geezer, geezer car, humor, satire, senior, senior citizens by geezerbill Date 27 March, 2012
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If you’re a male geezer returning to the dating world, you need to have money, be a great dancer, and, most importantly, you have to know what to say and not to say. I can’t teach you how to get rich or dance, but here are a few suggestions for what you should not be talking about on a date.

1. Your Age

The fact that you’re breathing is usually a positive sign for any widow over the age of 60. You don’t need to confuse the issue with a number. If you are dating a woman from 40 to 60 years old, she may be wondering about your age because she wants to know how many years you have left before she has to start sitting around the hospital waiting room to find out if you’ve survived your latest major surgery. The trick here is to not focus on your age, but how often you go to the gym. A bit of rock climbing skill or bungee jumping experience would also be good to mention. If you’ve jumped out of a plane and survived, all the better. If the woman you’re dating is under 40, avoid mentioning age as long as possible, because if the number is over the age of her father you will be going home alone.

2. Illness

Keep the illnesses to only those for which a pill can be popped or a liquid be swallowed. Attach any illness you’ve had to health or money. For example, you got the flu because you were running a marathon in the rain. Or your migraine was caused by deciding when to make your next large purchase of Google stock. Any illness related to a hospital should be avoided. Don’t lie about it, but if you have to mention it, focus on how quickly you recovered because of your vim and vigor.

3. Children and Grandchildren

You want to emphasize how well your children turned out. You needn’t mention the fact that it was your deceased wife or ex that did all the work. You did contribute half the genes, after all. As for grandchildren, be sure to tell about the time you took care of them, generously treated them to all sorts of goodies, and then sent them home to their mother and father. You’ll seem caring but not clutching. On the other hand, very few women will find you attractive if your unmarried child and grandchild are still living with you. They have probably been there and done that and have no desire to do it again with you.

4. Sex

If you would like to have some, I’d suggest you don’t mention the word. Don’t be one of those senior citizens from the 50s who think that paying for a steak dinner is essentially paying for sex. If you want to get her into bed, you’re going to have to do some modern wooing which includes listening and talking to her. Senior men are not known for these skills, but they can be learned. Watch some old Cary Grant movies.

5. Marriage

If you’re a widower, do not spend a lot of time discussing your dead wife. It’s depressing for you and intimidating for your date. She’ll want to know you grieved but have not brought an urn full of ashes to dinner.

If you’ve never been married, you better have a few good “I was left at the alter” stories or your date will definitely believe you’re gay.

If you’re currently married, you should avoid mentioning it. To be honest, you should also avoid dating, you dirty old man.

Filed under: General> Love Tags: Tags: avoid dating, date, dating, dating a woman, dating world, dirty old man, geezer, humor, never been married, satire, senior, senior citizen, senior men, widower by geezerbill Date 26 January, 2012
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