By Bill Singer (AKA Geezer Bill)
Single geezer? Looking for romance? By now you might think this is an ad for a dating site. But no! This is a well-researched article about special ways to find that special person – that is, a senior citizen who is still breathing.
In Shanghai, China, seniors have been flocking to the local IKEA for free coffee and pick ups. Note the word “free.” That’s an important criteria for finding a single senior who understands the value of a dollar. Which is why IKEA beats out Starbucks. A meeting spot that costs $7 for a cup of java is not for budget-conscious geezers.
So if you’re walking around IKEA, what kind of pick up line should you use? Here are a few lines applicable for either men or women.
- In the bedroom department, you might say, “Have you tried the Ugeshtagenbagen bed? It gives excellent support after back surgery.” Be sure to practice your pronunciation before you try this one.
- In the dining department, you might say, “I love this Zetsin dining table. But don’t you think it would look awfully large with only one person eating at it?”
- While strolling through the aisles, say, “I know all the shortcuts through the store. If I didn’t use them my electric scooter would run out of battery power.” This line can be adapted for walkers.
- If you’re in line at the food counter, stand next to the senior of your choice and say, “My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. Can you count my Swedish meatballs?”
From these pick-up lines you can then go on to checking out each other’s shopping bags and begin to plan a future shopping date.
If you’re a widower, funerals provide a good place to say goodbye to the dead and say hello to the widows. But a warning to all you men out there. Do not try to pick up the widow of the deceased. It’s unbecoming to attempt to make a move while the previous husband’s body isn’t yet in the ground.
But widows attract widows. Call it the Dead Husband’s Society. In that Society, any live man is seen as a potential partner by other widows. That’s you!
If you don’t know the deceased’s name, people will think you’re there just scouting body parts. Have some respect. Do your research. Find out the name of the man who died. He would have done the same for you.
Then, you could be his old war buddy, on his bowling team, or just met him while waiting for takeout at the local pizza joint.
Potential pickup lines include:
- If you’ve lost your own wife, say, “This reminds me of when I put [fill in name of deceased wife] in the ground.” Please try not to start bawling.
- “I think polished pine was a good choice. What do you think?”
- The philosophical approach: “As Auden said, ‘Death be not proud.’” Just be sure you’ve actually read some Auden in case there are follow up questions.
From there, it’s a drive to the wake and continuing the conversation. At the very least, there will be some tasty snacks.
Volunteer Your Time
Why not be doing good for the world while doing good for yourself? Being a volunteer lets you contribute to society while meeting single male and female geezers who are definitely into nurturing. And what single geezer can’t use some nurturing?
What type of volunteering is best?
Animal shelters. Men, keep in mind that women love to visit animal shelters. And there you can be handing them Fluffy or Fido with a smile. Be careful not to get bitten. If you’re a female volunteer, look for the single seniors who want a dog over 25 pounds. That means they’ve still got some strength left in them. Avoid any single male geezers who want to adopt kittens.
Distributing food to the poor. This assumes you have enough money left from your Social Security payment to be able to afford your own food. While you’re doling out the oatmeal you can start a conversation about food with another senior volunteer. “What’s your favorite dish? How often do you cook it at home?” If the other single senior can’t cook, you can always find a restaurant with an early bird menu.
Theater groups. These provide great opportunities for men or women. It’s a virtual treasure trove for single gay geezers. And because there are so many gay men around, straight men will find themselves in great demand. This is a tougher venue for straight women as the best looking volunteer men will be gay, but from time to time a straight, retired accountant who always wanted to be an actor will show up. He’s yours!
Visit a Fitness Center
For an elderly male geezer, the plus side of meeting a woman at a fitness center is that you will have a good idea of what her body looks like. The plus side for a female geezer is that you will similarly be able to determine what his body looks like.
If you have a large middle, I suggest using the fitness center for its intended purpose (getting fit) before looking to find someone of the opposite sex.
Once you are in shape, you can even skip the exercising part of the pick-up. Simply walk around with a towel around your neck. And put a few drops of water on your forehead so it looks like you just finished sweating to the oldies.
A typical pickup line might be:
- “That [fill in the name of the exercise machine] is a real killer.” Be sure you have actually used the machine you are referring to in case of follow up questions.
Call the Nurse Hot Line
Most Medicare insurance companies offer a Nurse Hot Line as a benefit. That’s Nurse Hot Line, not Hot Nurse Line. The Hot Nurse Line will be $20 a minute. The Nurse Hot Line will be free.
The nurse (typically female) on the other end of the line will be happy to hear all about your aches and pains. She will listen to you tell your stories about your fast-beating heart, searing sciatica, and bad back. She will even be interested in learning about your feelings.
That’s because part of her job is to evaluate your feelings. So why not evaluate hers? How does she feel about dating someone with some minor aches and pains?
One issue to keep in mind: The Nurse Hot Line might not be located in the U.S. If you find a Philippine or Indian nurse, the travel costs for dating could be problematic.
I hope by using one of the above special methods you might find that special someone. If not, it’s back to the dating web sites.